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How screwed up things have become...

I am in a bad place mentally right now...

I have disappointed myself some months ago

and do not know how to recover.



I have filled my days with useless things...



I am ashamed that I struck a subordinate and got my ass fired; even though they assaulted me first.



I am usually the type of person that breaks up fights... I cannot remember striking someone in anger ever before. Fear, once or twice... but never anger... or more correctly, that I was angered to the point that I no longer automaticlally restrained myself from pushing them away from me (violently) when they poked me in the eye.



There are few moments in my life that I regret...



A girl I knew I once said no to...

Not doing more during Hurricane Katrina...

And now, hitting a girl in anger...



It seams that these are moments when I have the least choice... conditioned responses that you'd think you should be human enough to overcome... but didn't.



No matter how logical an irrational decision may seam... it always seams to fuck you up.



I wish that I had just let her hit me and backed off... but I have an irrational fear of protecting my eyes.



The difficulty is the irrational belief that that moment spans all eternity... backward and forward. Perhaps it does...



I have never been ashamed like this before...

It is unjustifiable in my eyes...

Therefore I am in personal denial that I did it...

and I cannot resolve it.



Perhaps there are some things that you are not meant to absolve... only to endure.



It's funny, a few months before this incident I spoke to a coworker about how to deal with the abuses this person subjected people to. I fealt it was my spiritual duty to help this person and to love them no matter what... so I asked this other person, who is also of a devoted spiritual nature, what I should do. I was shocked to hear him say that if he were in his own country that he would pull out his gun and kill any person that behaved the way she does.



I was shocked to here this from someone as kindhearted as this man... and argued that you shoudl do everything in your power to love those who determine to antagonize you. He told me a story that roughly translates to "you can't teach an old dog new tricks."



Some days I feal that I have failed my spirituality that I could not retrain an old dog... that it was my duty in my time woth her to do just that.



Now my only recourse is to love her and pray fer her as I remember her; a task that has become easier as her faults become less clear with distance... I wish the same could be said for myself...



Perhaps today I will pray for forgiveness...

I have difficulty asking it of God when she would not accept it when I begged it of here; and when I cannot seam to give it to myself; and cannot accept it from others that offer it to me.

COMMENTS

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Lovise
00:49 Feb 06 2010

Just like the unicorn, it chases the virgin maiden, and what happens, the hunters spear it, though, the unicorn forgives.

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